I cannot say that my father and I were close. We shared experiences and worked together on projects. Our conversations were stilted, short, and clipped moments of verbal interaction. We never shared deep conversations about life and how to life it, and when I faced struggles, my father did not have a lot to say.

That relationship entirely changed in the last two weeks of his life. I became his caregiver as he communicated his needs to me, and I did what I could to make his transition easier. Our communication together started as those conversations always had: short, direct statements. As the process continued, I stayed present, and the communication with him shifted from verbal to non-verbal, from rational to emotional. He expressed his feelings and intentions directly to me through a kind of direct communication through a look, expression, and an occasional word. While those around me could not understand even his most basic phrases, I understood him as clearly as I am writing this reflection. It was a strange feeling to hear someone who was non-verbal. That shift happened in the final days, and I learned more about communication in those moments than I have ever experienced in my entire life.

The lessons I learned were clear and specific. They mirror the teachings from Padmasambhava from the Tibetan Book of the Dead, and I experienced them directly from my father.

1. Stay Present. Throughout the process, my father wanted no distractions. No TV, No Music. Just me or my mother in the room with him.
2. Communicate Your Needs Clearly. My father’s requests were specific and simple. Water, a little bit of liquid food, and morphine for pain. That was it.
3. As the Body Changes, Accept Them. My father did not fight his body and when he couldn’t sit up any longer, he let his body tell him what he needed.
4. Say Goodbye. A few days before his death, my father said his goodbyes. His children and grandchildren gathered around him for those final words.
5. Letting Go Requires Space. To leave this plane of existence, my father needed me and my mother to be out of the room. He passed only after we left.

I don’t pretend to understand all of the teachings from the Bardo Thodol, and my small insights helped me through the last moments of my Dad’s life. As I sat with him, I recited the chants and prayers I was taught in retreats and classes through Rigpa, and from Dzongar Khyentse Rinpoche. I chanted the Benza Guru mantra, the parts of the Bardo Thodol I had been taught, and used my prayer beads as a means of keeping my mind focused and present with my father. While I wasn’t in any way trying to convert and change my father’s path, these practices helped me through the process and taught me how I will hopefully approach my own death.

As I integrate these moments into my life, I am so grateful for the chance to be with my father along this journey. I came to understand as completely as I have ever had the meaning of life. It was profound, hopeful, and compassionate. I can only wish a simlar experience for everyone open to being present in the moments of death and dying.

May you be happy, may you be well.